![]() With nothing but his herd for company, King Beef has paced the deck of his fusion-driven barn for 33 subjective years, but thanks to the reckless shortcut through the Diogenes cluster which brought him here, relativistic distortion has meant that his life has spanned nearly a millennium of objective time. An astronaut who found a mace forged from uranium, and lost his mind on the black edge of space. With his mission set, our monarch gets to work - but while he sets to it, we should find out more about the man himself. Once his shocking new circumstances have filtered through the hosepipe-like tangle of his brutish nervous system, the King has only one thought: "I must amass as much beef as I can". Looking around him, the King sees that only one breeding pair of his herd have survived the impact, along with his sole possessions - the solid uranium armour and matching mace which, in his eyes at least, proclaim the divine legitimacy of his rule. When his ramshackle barnship broke deep and came apart on the void reefs of the Diogenes cluster, its wreck crashed down on an arid nearby moon, and the King would have been obliterated, had he not been having a rage-nap in the feed store for his spaceborne cattle ranch. King Beef wakes with a roar of incomprehension, amidst a huge stack of hay. He fared appallingly, as it turns out - but let's take a trip together, and find out how: And with the recent release of RimWorld: Royalty, I figured it was the perfect time to wheel out the King once more, and see how he would fare in a galaxy where genuine kingship was now within his reach. King Beef is one of my personal library of custom RimWorld scenarios, and I talked about it in a post last October. Nothing except, perhaps, the psychological dangers of taking social distancing a bit too far. It is a tragedy: a tale told by an idiot, full of mace duels and uranium armour, and signifying nothing. And today, I want to tell you the story of King Beef. Since there's good odds you're either stuck at home right now or are soon to be, I thought it might do us all good to have a bit of story time. ![]()
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